The Day The Music Dies
by LuKEN
Summary: Nobody should die alone. AU season 3, taking off from 3x12 right after Ellie left Tree Hill.


Title: The Day The Music Dies

Summary: Nobody should die alone. AU season 3, taking off from 3x12 right after Ellie left Tree Hill.

Pairing: Sorry, none.

Category: Drama

Disclaimer: I don't own _One Tree Hill _or any of the characters, this is a work of fan fiction, I don't make any money with it.

* * *

_I don't want you to go. ― Oh, sweetie. Those words are going to break my heart._

Ellie swallowed, fighting back another tear although she was alone now. She didn't have to pretend anymore. It would be okay to cry. But she was afraid that once she started she wouldn't be able to stop. Because to cry over leaving Peyton, leaving the daughter she had only just found, it would also mean to cry over the reason for her leaving. And she was done with that.

_I am not about to let her watch me die. _

She didn't want to shed one more tear about it. Not about the cancer, not about the bittersweet irony of it all, the universe's payback for what she had done with her life – more accurate how she had wasted most of it - or the plain anger at how unfair it all was nonetheless. She wanted to be at peace with it. She needed to be at peace with it. And crying wouldn't help.

She took her eyes off the road for a second and glanced at the CD selection that was spread out on the passenger seat. She had thought she had picked the right music for her trip home but now nothing seemed to fit anymore. Sighing in frustration she focused on traffic again and then did something she hadn't done in a long time: she drove and sat in utter silence.

Maybe it was just as well. _Better to get used to it. _Music had always been with her, and in a way it had been the one thing to hold on to and help her through the day when things had been really bad. Maybe it was the reason she was still alive.

_Alive. _

A small word for a gift as great as life. She had never realized before. Maybe this would bring her peace: Not that she hadn't appreciated her life before the cancer, she surely had, at least the last couple of years. But she had never seen things this clear. Maybe that was almost worth it.

_I doubt it. _

Keeping an eye on the road ahead, she reached for the glove compartment and pulled out a CD. She knew now what to listen to, and a few moments later Don McLean's voice accompanied by a few piano chords spread out in her car, together with memories of long forgotten times.

_The only song that makes you wanna cry and dance with joy all at once. _

She remembered now. The day, the place, even the time. Midnight, new year's, at least that was when it had started. In the filthiest apartment she had ever set foot in, not to mention lived in. Not that she had cared back then. Just like they had neither cried nor danced with joy, being way too stoned, way too far gone. Using up the last bit of energy to push the needle into whatever veins they could find every time they felt themselves descending from their high. The next couple of days had been one big haze, a constant blur. And it was probably nothing short of a miracle that she hadn't died in that place, to the sound of Don McLean and with Garry lying next to her. Garry who she was sure had been a bit in love with her, as far as his pained soul had been able to feel anything for anyone, including and especially himself.

The truth was she hadn't cared about either one of them. Not about Don McLean and not about Garry, and if he hadn't paid for her drugs she wouldn't have put up with either one of them. But Garry had bought enough to send them both higher than heaven and it was only due to the neighbors complaining about the music being played around the clock and calling the police that she did make it out of that apartment on a stretcher and not in a body bag. Maybe she really had lived on borrowed time all these years. And maybe it was just finally her turn now. Music had been her second life, and what a life it had been. Short, but intense, like a beautiful song. And thanks to Peyton it wouldn't just end with another repeat of the same old chorus but softly fade away with the idea of a new melody, the beginnings of another rhythm. Softly die away.

She suddenly found herself smiling despite a few tears watering her eyes, for the first time since she had left Tree Hill, and she reached for the radio to turn up the volume. She still didn't care much for Don McLean but he sure had gotten that one right, she had to give him that.

**¤¤¤**

Thinking she should probably be eating while she still could, Ellie opened the fridge, knowing fully well that there was nothing in there she wanted. Bending down she stared at the lonesome box of cereals. She hated the brand but for some sentimental reason she had remembered how her mother used to get it for her when she was sick, and following the same sentimental idiocy she had actually stopped by at a store and bought a box which was now staring back at her from inside her fridge in sheer mockery. _As if that could get me better. As if it ever made anything better._ She rolled her eyes, straightening up to slam the fridge shut. So take-out it was.

"You can't do this!"

The angry words and the penetrating voice uttering them so close to her made Ellie jump and while jerking her head around she felt her heart missing a beat. Staring into eyes burning hot with fury, she felt the shock giving way to something else.

"Peyton," she acknowledged the presence of her daughter – _her _daughter – tying to sound as calm and offhanded as she could. But Peyton took no notice of her made-up facade.

"You can not do this, you can not waltz into my life and turn everything upside down and then just disappear and leave me alone again."

Ellie opened her mouth but Peyton apparently hadn't fired all of her ammunition just yet.

"Not when I was just getting used to having a mum again. Not when I still need you. You can't!"

Ellie tried to swallow down the lump in her throat and she had to cast her eyes down for a moment not to lose it right there.

"I'm not ready for being alone again," Peyton added, voice less loud, stare more trembling than furious. "I'm not ready for you to go."

Ellie shook her head, shrugged. "I'm right here, Peyton. I didn't disappear, I'm not going anywhere." It was lame but the only response she had, and a part of her actually wanted it to be true.

"Right," Peyton nodded, "Like you were gonna be there when the CD is ready?" The anger being back in her voice didn't surprise Ellie, she deserved that, but she thought she could hear contempt as well now. "At least stop lying to me, Ellie. I've had enough of that for a life time."

_I'm so sorry, Peyton_, she pleaded in her head, averting her eyes from Peyton's once more for fear of her thoughts being all too visible in her face. _This is not how I wanted things to turn out. _In fact this was what she had wanted to avoid at any and all costs. She felt her stomach turn and squeezed her eyes shut for a second. She felt dizzy.

"Just tell me to my face," Peyton demanded with a shrug, "You came here to die."

The déjà-vu made Ellie look up and meeting Peyton's accusing stare she suddenly felt cornered. She couldn't do this one more time. Pushing past Peyton, she fled the kitchen.

"Ellie!"

"What?" Stopping in the middle of the living room she turned around, not sounding much less furious than Peyton now.

"Tell me!"

"Alright," she raised her hands, "I came here to die!" Taking a deep breath she realized the release that suddenly came over her. Like something huge and heavy had finally dropped off her chest. "There." _First time I've said it. _"I'm dying, Peyton, and this is where I'm gonna do it."

Peyton opened her mouth, started shaking her head. "No." Tears pooling in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Ellie tried to calm, her voice soft again. "I just –"

"No," Peyton repeated, louder, more insistent, still shaking her head. "You are not listening to me. I said I'm not ready."

The lump was back, tightening her throat, threatening to block Ellie's air supply. "Peyton –"

"You can't do this. _You_ came to me, _you_ decided to come back into _my_ life –"

"Yes," Ellie nodded, trying to ignore the tear running down her daughter's cheek. "I decided to come into your life. Now I'm deciding to get out of it again."

"No," Peyton was far from giving up. "No, you don't get to make that decision anymore," she spat. "Cause the decisions you've made so far, guess what, Ellie, most of them, they sucked."

Ellie's jaw dropped, her brows shooting upwards. But no protesting remark would come to her.

"So this time, I'm gonna make the decision."

"Oh yeah?" Ellie found her voice back. "And what's that gonna be?" she inquired mockingly, and now it was Peyton's turn to be speechless. "You wanna stay with me and watch me die? Hold my hand while I get weaker and weaker until I just fade away?" Seeing the shocked expression on Peyton's face she moved closer, "You wanna go out and buy me some weed when the pain and the nausea are getting too much? Are you gonna hold my hair when I spend the night on the bathroom floor throwing up for all I – "

"Stop it," Peyton hissed, her face turned away.

_I wish I could_, Ellie thought but reached for Peyton's chin, forcing her to look at her. It broke her heart but for Peyton's sake she had to be cruel now to make things easier later. "Are you gonna handle things when it's over? Are you gonna make arrangements for what's to happen with me, the house, my car…"

Peyton's eyes squeezed shut.

"You have no idea what you're talking about, little girl, so why don't you go back to your cheerleading and your high school friends and –"

She knew she had said something wrong when Peyton jerked her chin out of her clasp.

"Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about? Excuse me but who else here lost one mother already?" Peyton spat, raising one hand into the air. "And who's about to lose a second one?" Her second hand shot up while Ellie's arms dangled by her side, feeling heavy all of a sudden.

"That's what I thought," Peyton mocked, quickly wiping some tears away. "I haven't been a little girl in a long time and you're the last person who has any right to treat me as one now."

"Peyton," Ellie raised her hands defensively, knowing her own tears weren't too far anymore. "You don't understand –"

"No, you don't understand. I've wasted so much time when I sent you away because I didn't believe you. A whole summer and –"

"You did the right thing, we talked about this."

"But it's still time lost. And then I sent you off again and it just…" Her voice threatened to fail her. "Three weeks isn't enough."

"But it's all I've got, Peyton," Ellie once more resorted to being cruel. _It's not me that's being cruel though_, she thought, _it's the truth. It's the cancer. It's life._ Three weeks. "I wish I had more to give to you but it's all I've got." She felt her own tears breaking to the surface, her eyes watering despite her willing them not to. "I stayed as long as I could but it's time now. I'm in the last stage and it's only gonna get worse and I don't know how fast."

Again Peyton just started shaking her head, biting her lip and fighting to keep more tears from flowing.

"I promised your father I wouldn't let you see this."

"But he's not here, is he? He thinks he knows what's best for me but how can he when he's never around."

"I promised myself," Ellie qualified, hoping to put an end to a painful and pointless discussion.

"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time you don't keep your promises," Peyton countered, only the fact that she had to lower her gaze betraying the bitterness and the harshness in her voice.

Ellie nearly gasped and took a deep breath while trying to recompose herself. "Probably not."

"Look, I told you," Peyton started anew, her eyes still on the floor. "All my life people have made decisions about giving me away and taking me in and what to tell me and when, and it's always been for my own good and to protect me and… I'm tired of it. I'm done. This one time I wanna decide myself what's best for me and losing you now is not it."

Ellie started to object but Peyton quickly went on, still not looking up.

"I know you're dying and I know there's nothing you can do about it but please don't send me away."

"Peyton –"

"No. When my mum died I didn't even get to say goodbye. I saw her for like a second when she was being rushed past us in the hospital and then we were just sitting there, waiting, until someone told us my mum was dead. And when we were finally allowed to see her she was cold and pale and…I remember thinking that's not my mum. It couldn't be because my mum was alive and beautiful and…"

"Peyton," Ellie tried again, reaching out but only causing Peyton to take a step back, her eyes still riveted on the floor. Ellie quickly withdrew her hand and pressed her fingers against her mouth, as if to stop herself from interrupting any further.

"No, it's true. I didn't get to say goodbye and what hurt the most, what still hurts is that I don't even really remember the last moment we had together. I know it was that morning but I can't…remember what exactly she said or what I said. It was just like any other morning."

Ellie desperately wanted to pull Peyton close, even if only to make her stop talking but Peyton's body language was unmistakable. She didn't want any physical contact right now so Ellie restrained herself by folding her arms and clasping herself.

"When I learned about your cancer, my dad said that you had been given what my mum never had: a fair warning. And that maybe if I spent time with you while I still could, this time I would have a chance to…be prepared. To say the things I wanna say and ask the things I wanna know. And he was right." Struggling with her tears and taking a deep breath it was all Ellie could do not to gasp for air while Peyton kept talking. "So that's what I wanna do: I wanna spend time with you and I don't wanna lose one more moment, and I don't wanna sit around and wait until someone tells me you're gone too and that I've missed my last chance of–"

"Shhh," Ellie, at last, whispered while pulling Peyton into her arms. "Shhhhhh." And when she felt Peyton's body trembling and jerking in her arms with all the tears and the sobs finally forcing their way out she allowed herself to cry unrestrained as well.

"I don't want you to die," Peyton's muffled voice breathed against her shoulder, "I want you to live."

"I know, honey," Ellie managed through her own tears.

"But if you have to go then I wanna be there. I don't wanna miss another moment."

"Okay," Ellie said, not sure though how it was okay or ever going to be. "Okay. It's okay."

"And I don't want you to die alone. My mum died alone. I don't want you to be alone too."

"Okay," Ellie repeated like a mantra, "Okay." And for a moment she could neither speak nor think. "But Peyton," she managed then, "everything else aside: knowing your mum and knowing you, I don't think she was alone." She could at least try to take a part of Peyton's grieve away. "She carried you in her heart, so you were always with her wherever she went or was - even that day. Just like she's with you wherever you go, Peyton." Feeling Peyton tremble in her arms and bury her head harder against her shoulder, Ellie held her close, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. "Your real mum's always with you, Peyton, always." _Trust me.__It's a mum-thing_, she thought, laughing at herself at the same time because, really, what did she know about being a mum. But her words seemed to have done some good and while Peyton hugged her even tighter they just kept on standing in Ellie's living room, holding on to each other, thinking over and finding comfort in what had been said between them.

_I'm not ready for you to go. I don't want you to die. _

_I don't think she was alone. Your real mum's always with you, Peyton, always._

Until Peyton's whisper, barely audible, reached Ellie's ear. "My other mum."

And beneath the tears starting anew, Ellie smiled.


End file.
